EDIT: It's out! It came in today, Friday the 15th. Go fucking buy it!
In honor of this momentus occasion, I'm unveiling some old unreleased shit that I've been sitting on forever. Yeah, this stuff is all previously unseen and has been on ice in the archives collecting dust for about two years. It features the entire APB team (except for Kaikea Kimura, he wasn't officially part of it yet) and it's stuff that has never been shared with anyone before. Secret hidden footage? Hardly. I wish that's what it was. People would actually care about that. No, sadly this is some shit that I wrote for DOWNITHAPB.COM when it was time to do team updates in early 2006. Did you know that I write the majority of that bullshit over there? The news, team profiles, video descriptions, pretty much everything except the new product stuff. Chad writes that. Can you tell the difference? A lot of people can't, and everyone says that we have similar writing styles. PSYCHE! He wishes. Also, did you know that DOWNWITHAPB.COM is my baby? Well, it was more spawned from Chad's figurative seedling, but at the very least I got to name the child. What's the point? The point is this shit is now finally ready for the public to enjoy. Or fucking hate. Either is perfectly acceptable! The first team profile is in my opinion, and this is really hard (that's what she said) for me to say, the biggest piece of shit I came up with out of the seven (you might disagree when you read the rest). I really do like this one the least, but it is all about one of my favorite dudes no homo no homo no homo ,my little brody Brian Wyland.
Brian Wyland:
In 2004, after winning his fourth straight AVN award for Best Male Performer, Brian found himself on top of the porn world. Again. Sure, it was fun. The extravagant hotel suites , private jets, cocaine buffets and farm animals were his personal favorites. Life had been good to him since he quit school. Too good. He drove a customized platinum stretch Bentley shaggin’ wagon that sat on thirty-two inch chrome spinners. When he wasn’t busy touring the world and boning for a living, Brian resided in the plushest big baller oceanfront North Shore surf mansion from Himalayas to V-land. 2005 saw the release of the wildly popular Arizona Cann replica cock and balls pro model dildo, now the number one selling sex toy in the world by far, and Brian had an eager, willing and faithful harem of the planet’s finest multi-ethnic betties that numbered in the thousands.
Sure, he had been with hundreds upon hundreds of women all across the globe as a result of traveling to numerous countries with his uncle, a world-renowned artist, but that was simply practice. And his practice had paid off. Handsomely. Pussy, big houses and pimped out rides, although a huge part of his life, were not the only things that occupied his time. Brian loved music, and he had his very own professional quality recording studio in his basement . In it, he had dozens of guitars of every shape and brand, a floor to ceiling wall of Marshall stacks, a full complement of brass and wind instruments in their very own orchestra pit, a huge diamond encrusted and bedazzled Steinway piano that once belonged to Liberace, and his favorite of all, a one hundred piece drum set formerly owned by Neal Peart complete with three gongs and a dozen different cowbells. There was no material object that he could not possess, and no human being that he could not buy. He had even recently purchased Erik Ellington for fifty million dollars in cash and kept him in a guest house out back and had “The Mule” perform big spins for him every day down the simulated double set on the intricate street plaza that was built on his massive estate. However, as gratifying and sensational as these assets were, Brian quickly grew tired of the trappings that his fame afforded him, and secretly yearned for something else. Something different. Something urban and street. Something that would make the homies say ho and the girlies want to scream. Brian decided he would quit the adult film industry and pursue his dream, starting his own modern day and updated version of his beloved Wu-Tang Clan. Much like the original, they’d form like Voltron, only this time Brian would be the head, the sharpest motherfucker in the whole shit.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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